What is Mumsnet?
Mumsnet is created by Justin Roberts and is a London based internet forum to connect parents of children and teenagers for discussion purposes.
This article is all about Mumsnet relationships, advice and suggestions by users, and what are their views about different relationships. So let’s get started:
Mumsnet relationships red flags
A user shares his views about “Mumsnet relationships red flags” as follows:
“I read lots of threads on here about emotionally, financially, and physically abusive men. Once the woman starts to realise what’s happening and seeks to escape, a common theme is that when she starts talking to friends and family about what was happening, she’s surprised by how many believe her. How many comments that they’ve been worried about for a while etc. etc.
It made me think. Without even trying, I can think of three women with examples of things that, for me, as an outsider, jump out as red flags.
- The woman who, having taken her kids to an (admittedly kid-friendly) event that had been organised for just adults, couldn’t go on for the spontaneous drinks/dinner because she “didn’t know if Dh would be home.” Not for work. It wasn’t that she couldn’t go, but that on the weekend, she had no idea where he was or when he’d be home?
- Same woman who is regularly late for things when Dh is looking after kids because he’s late to get home.
- The woman who has stopped going to the gym and almost never sees friends unless she’s with her DS because her DP “doesn’t see me enough and wants to spend more time together” even though both are things she loves doing.
- The woman who has a wealthy husband is a SAHM but works in the evenings after the kids go to bed so that she can pay for her personal stuff like hair cuts and clothes. Because those are, apparently, her responsibility.
I haven’t even had to THINK about these. They just popped into my head.
Am I the only one who sees these in friends/colleague/acquaintances’ relationships?”
Other users responded to this view about “Mumsnet relationships red flags” as follows:
- “Gosh, where to start …
- Something is very dear to me, previously abused in every single relationship she has ever had, including her family. Emotional.
- Doesn’t get to make any decisions about their plans.
- He gets told when they will meet and when he is busy. No compromise.
- No sex.
- No treats/ dinners/ flowers.
- Presents given for both of them to enjoy.. his choice of present. Her preferences disregarded.
- Boys come first. His friends/ hobbies/ sport.
- All done with a big smile and a hug and feels like a princess when with him.
- The worst kind..”
- “Not being allowed out in the car alone. If she wants to go out, husband and 16-year old daughter go too.
- He hasn’t worked in 20 years but is under 50 but spends all his time on bible study.
- The daughter won’t spend time alone with him.
- Their holidays are always his idea. Always where he wants to go &. with his itinerary.
- She’s guilted into not having a car, even with a joint income of £80k. He, of course, has a brand new car.
- His food choice rules.
- He does all the shopping.”
- You’re not the only one. Sadly they often can’t see it, sometimes.. maybe even more often, they choose not to see it. I know a woman who has been choosing not to see it for 3 years now. Engaged, Partner has own home, won’t stay the night with her unless it’s in a different city to where they live. Partner doesn’t let her round his place. Partner 30 years old than her. She stopped seeing her friends and family shortly after they met. On top of that, weird things happening, things going missing, things getting broken without explanation, pets getting suddenly sick/dying. To me, it’s freaking obvious; to her, I don’t know. A big part of me thinks she’ll put up with anything just to be ”loved”. It’s sad.
Mumsnet relationships divorce and separation
A user shared how she felt sad about her Mumsnet relationships, divorce, and separation as follows:
“Three years since I discovered he’d cheated for the second time. We had two DDs, 8 and 6, at the time.
I finished it and, in hindsight, realised just how badly he’d treated me for our whole relationship. I don’t miss him. I feel much happier and lighter without him, without the strange relationship dynamics; and the way he made me feel.
For context, I’ve never badmouthed him to our DDs and am determined to keep it civil. They think we split as we grew apart and we’re civil with each other, can share tea and cake together when it’s one of the DDs birthdays, pass the time of day when we interact.
But I have moments where I feel so sad, and it’s all so complex. Can anyone relate? Share any wisdom?
I feel sad for myself that I gave myself away to a man who didn’t respect me and who lied, gaslighted and belittled me for so many years.
My heart breaks for my DDs, who love us both and still struggle with us being apart.
I feel sad about the now-broken dreams I had.
I’m so excited about other things in my life, and in many ways leaving him has been such a blessing in disguise. I’m glad I got rid of him. But still get so many waves of sadness. I went past him on the bus yesterday and couldn’t help thinking back to our wedding day and what we meant to each other at the time.”
Another user replied to this Mumsnet relationships divorce and separation post as follows:
“Lies destroy families. I know this.
When your daughters are the right age, I would tell them the truth, not all the gory details, just the bare facts truth. But not yet a bit young.
So as for you, your wedding day, promises were made which you stuck to. There is no shame in marrying in good faith, even if it falls apart.
The future you are grieving was never going to happen with an adulterer. We all have relationship wobbles that rock our cosy bubbles.
So back to the present, he has taught you what not to accept; modern communication methods make cheating easier and more accessible; if someone is going to look elsewhere, they can now at the click of a button.
It’s admirable you pass the time of day and share cake on the children’s birthdays, you are the bigger person here I am not sure I could do that.
You didn’t give yourself to a gaslighter. You gave yourself to someone whom you thought was trustworthy.
So next time you have to share cake, be the best you, light, caring, trusting, fun, dressed to kill!
It sounds like he has taken a lot from you; don’t let him take more or any more headspace. He”s had enough.”
Here is what everybody saying about Mumsnet relationships, divorce and separation:
- “I left my husband after 27 years, so much happier and have so much more confidence in my self. And have met the love of my life, move on, ken and put your self first. All the best for your future.x7
- “Get some counselling just for yourself. You don’t need to listen to harmful people. One day their words will be water off a ducks back. Until then you need to protect yourself, and distance is the best way to do that.”
Mumsnet teenage relationships
A user asks about Mumsnet teenage relationships, as follows:
“What normally happens to these first relationships? I don’t mean the type when they say they are going out but actually never even talk to each other; I mean the sort when they actually do see each other in school a lot and maybe a bit after school but in groups, not alone.
Do they normally just drift apart naturally, or does it always end in tears and awkwardness at the school gate? I really can’t remember as I hardly even spoke to a boy until I was 16, and I’m trying to manage expectations!!”
Here are views of other users on Mumsnet teenage relationships:
- “Marking my spot with interest as I’d like to know too as DS in a relationship that seems to be like this. They see each other after school and maybe once a month at the weekend but always in a group.”
- “My younger ds has recently been in a relationship just like this. In fact I’m not sure you can really call it a relationship. It involved plenty of texting but no physical meet ups outside of school. They drifted apart and he told me that they’re “not really going out anymore,” but nothing particular had happened to break it up.”
- “From the girls pov I think it can be different. He had a previous “girlfriend” who was quite hard going and often complaining on texts that he didn’t pay her enough attention – but at the same time she didnt want to meet up after school either hmm. That one ended in tears for her as he couldnt spend all waking moments responding to her texts. I think its a year 6 to year 8 thing and then the sorts of relationships in Y9 onwards get a bit more traditional…and potentially worrying!”
- “I don’t think you can ‘manage expectations’, I’m afraid… I think this is about the point you have to come to terms with the fact that you can’t protect them from getting hurt any more, you can only support them if they do smile.”
- “DD(12, Y8) has already been “going out” with a few boys. As far as I can tell, it just seems that they are friends – chat/mess about at school – before/after/at breaks and text/phone each other. Occasionally they meet in the park or whatever as part of a bigger group. Oh and posting that they are “in a relationship” on FBhmm. It so far doesn’t seem to have caused too much hysteria when they are dumped/dump. I am not looking forward to her moving on to more traditional…and potentially worrying relationships in Y9 <quakes in fear>.”
- “Dd is in year 9 and it’s just the same as posted so far. She’s only allowed to see him in groups of mates but we’re about to move up to going on a ‘date’ to the cinema. She has kissed him and held hands but that’s it – and the kissing was ‘weird’ because of braces. All her friends are still the same – no proper dates, sex, blow jobs yet – still all innocent. Bit different than when I was 14 when it was all about ‘getting fingered’ – hmm. What WAS the obsession with that?!?”
Mumsnet relationship after baby
A user asked about Mumsnet relationship after baby as follows:
“I would say that your relationship will always hit rocky points, with or without children. Mine is stronger than before; I’m more tolerant of things DP does that would have normally pissed me off (patience of a saint!), but I’m also more serious, which is something DP has pulled me up on (I used to be fun). We are far more loving towards each other, and we talk a hell of a lot more than we did previously, as we have another person to think of in our lives (19-month-old dd).
Rather than comparing to others, talk about the reasons for you and your DP reaching braking point? Perhaps MNers can help?”
Here is what other users have to say about Mumsnet relationship after baby:
“You’ve got to talk. Me and dh love each other to bits (15.5 years) but having a child has certainly put pressures on our relationship at times. Our ds is 19 months. Honesty and being open with your thoughts is the only way forward. I hope everything works itself out for you all xx.”
“Having a baby is a huge relationship stress. Talking and appreciating each other is key, as is making time for you as a couple. Would you consider Relate? Sometimes getting an outsider to listen is all it takes. Try to have a meal together without the baby, even if its a weekend lunch. Make a list of all the things you love about being with him. We went through a very rocky stage at about 6m, but so strong now. If you still live him don’t give up.”
“Having a baby can put so much stress on a relationship. Don’t underestimate the impact of constant sleep deprivation.
I’m probably not best placed to advise as, like you, my (10 years, previously very happy) relationship is floundering. We have tried talking honestly about how we feel (including admitting regrets about having a baby) and positively about what we should do going forward. Whilst I don’t know whether we will stay together, talking like this at least means we are considerate and caring towards each other instead of trying to hurt each other. If we do split up, I hope this approach will make it more amicable. Whatever happens, try not to become vindictive towards each other.
I’d agree with the post above about trying Relate; it’s something we would like to do but with no family nearby or other suitable childcare for our ten-month-old, I don’t see how we can. We wrote lists for each other of the things we wanted the other to do that they weren’t currently doing. It did help; is that something you could try? I do feel for you; parenthood is hard enough without relationship stress too.”
“You need to tell him that the relationship is at breaking point and that you want to work on things together to try and mend it. It will require honesty, respect, attention to each other from both of you, and it will require work. Is there any family member who will have a baby for a weekend while you rekindle a bit of romance?
Me and dp make a point of getting a short break from the children every year. It’s not a luxury; it’s essential. We are a couple, and we plan on being a couple long past the kids being at home, and all gardens need watering and tending.”
“You sound like you have some issues that are very specific to your relationship, especially around childcaring responsibilities. Raising a child won’t work for anyone if you don’t do it together and if all the pressure is on one person. No wonder you are resentful.
But yes, DH and I have twice seriously considered divorce. We’ve been together for 10 years and married for four. It does put a lot of pressure on you. On each of those occasions, it was the scare we both needed to change our ways – put simply, the thought of being without each other, as a family, was too unbearable. We had stopped communicating effectively and had to work hard at not taking each other for granted. It’s easy when you have a child to be consumed with caring for that child precisely because they are so dependent on you and cannot look after themselves. Unless you work at it, the person who can look after themselves ends up taking a back seat. And that’s usually each of the parents.”
“Me and DP had a really strong relationship then when DD1 was born we were still good but 5m down the line we’ve had alot of problems! It’s got to the point where I thought we would split up quite a few times but pre DD in all the years we’ve been together I’ve never thought we would split up. We have to make a real big effort with each other and it’s still not easy now but we do love each other and we want our relationship to work for us and not just DD. It’s not easy though there are still times I want to kill him joking grin.”
Mumsnet relationships forum
A user asked about how people came to know about the Mumsnet relationships forum as follows;
“I started posting one or two messages and am now quite addicted. Not quite sure how it happened. I just wondered how everyone else came to be in the same position as me!
Maybe you are all discussion board addicts and post on lots of different forums !?
I must drag myself away now and see if I get any posts tomorrow. I think that is what is so addictive – each time wondering whether anyone will take the time to respond.”
Here is what people have to say about the Mumsnet relationships forum:
“I googled mum websites and found mn.”
“There was an article in Practical Parenting back in the summer of 2003 about Mums setting up businesses from home, and Justine and Carrie were two of the people featured. I was intrigued by the interview and checked the website out, and have been unable to get away since.”
“I was researching Group Strep B as I was pg for the second time and as a carrier wanted to know the implications, there was a link to MN on the Group Strep B Support Group. That was over three and a half years ago and I have all but given up TV watching in the evening in favour of MN.”
“LOL! Dinny’s my lovely colleague who asked if I knew about MN when I was pg with DS. I forgot all about it (well, logged on once, thought it was very “text-rich” and full of women chatting about agas and cleaners and I went elsewhere.Then when DS was about six months old, I remembered it again, logged on…and, do you know what? I rather liked it Haven’t bloody left since! Well, OK, have once. But for A Very Good Reason”
“I can’t even remember how I found it! It feels like I’ve been here forever now!”
“I was googling some cbeebies question and found one of those threads where half the people say “I fancy Justin!” and the other half go and the next thing I knew I was reading some loooong thread full of aggro about extended bf (Daily Mail report about the breastapo feeding until 4 etc etc, lots of talk about child abuse, ew! gross – the usual) and lurked there for a while and then I woke up and it was eight weeks later and I can’t seen to leave. Tbh if I had thought for one second I would post this much I would have thought a bit more carefully about my posting name and chosen something less openly ridiculous.”
“Mumsnet relationships” is an amazing platform to share your opinions and getting suggestions from other users. This article was all about Mumsnet relationships, users views and I hope you will find it helpful. GET SUPPORT NOW CLICK HERE.