Self-Deprecation: What It Means, Why We Do It, and How to Stop Putting Yourself Down

 

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Answer summary: Self-deprecation is the habit of making jokes or negative comments about yourself, your appearance, abilities, personality or achievements. Occasional self-deprecating humour can make you seem approachable and help you laugh at life’s imperfections. However, when it becomes a persistent pattern of self-criticism, it may undermine self-esteem, reinforce feelings of inferiority and affect dating, relationships and emotional wellbeing. Learning to recognise negative self-talk, practise self-compassion and challenge unhelpful beliefs can help you develop a healthier relationship with yourself.

What Is Self-Deprecation?

Self-deprecation is the act of drawing attention to your own perceived flaws, shortcomings or mistakes, often through humour, modesty or self-critical comments. It can be a light-hearted way to connect with others, but it can also reflect deeper feelings of insecurity, shame or low self-worth.

For example, someone might say, “I’m hopeless at dating,” after an awkward conversation, or “I’m not attractive enough for anyone to love me” after a relationship ends. Although these statements may sound casual, repeated negative comments can influence how a person sees themselves and what they believe they deserve.

At Miss Date Doctor (M.D.D), we recognise that the way people speak to themselves can influence their confidence, dating experiences and relationships. Understanding the difference between healthy humour and damaging self-criticism is an important step towards personal growth.

Key Takeaways: Understanding Self-Deprecation

• Self-deprecation can be harmless: Occasional jokes about yourself can demonstrate humour, humility and perspective.
• Persistent self-criticism can be harmful: Constantly putting yourself down may reinforce negative beliefs about your worth and abilities.
• It can affect relationships: Self-deprecating behaviour may make it difficult to accept compliments, communicate needs or believe that someone genuinely cares about you.
• It can become a learned habit: Past criticism, rejection, bullying and perfectionism may contribute to negative self-talk, although there is no single explanation for everyone.
• Change is possible: Self-awareness, self-compassion, supportive relationships and appropriate professional help can help you develop a healthier self-image.
• You do not have to do it alone: Relationship coaching or counselling may help you explore how your beliefs about yourself influence your emotional wellbeing and relationships.

What Causes Self-Deprecation?

Self-deprecation can develop for many reasons. Some people use it naturally as part of their humour, while others learn to put themselves down because they fear criticism, rejection or appearing arrogant.

Understanding the reason behind your behaviour is more helpful than judging yourself for it.

1. Low self-esteem and feelings of inferiority

When you struggle with self-worth, you may believe that your flaws are more important than your strengths. Making negative comments about yourself can become a way of expressing beliefs you have held for years.

The NHS explains that low self-esteem can make people view themselves and their lives negatively, sometimes leading them to avoid challenges that might otherwise build confidence. NHS guidance on raising low self-esteem offers practical steps for challenging these beliefs.

If you frequently compare yourself with others or feel inferior despite your achievements, you may find our inferiority complex test a useful starting point for reflection. It is an educational tool, not a clinical diagnosis.

2. Fear of rejection or judgement

Some people criticise themselves before anyone else has the opportunity to do so. Saying, “I know I’m not your usual type,” for example, may feel like a way to protect yourself from romantic rejection.

The difficulty is that this defence can reinforce the expectation that rejection is inevitable. It may also prevent other people from getting to know you without the influence of your negative assumptions.

3. Childhood criticism and past experiences

Growing up around frequent criticism, unrealistic expectations or comparisons can influence how you evaluate yourself as an adult. Bullying, humiliating experiences and painful relationships may also contribute to negative self-beliefs.

However, these experiences do not affect everyone in the same way. Self-deprecation alone does not establish that someone has experienced trauma or has a mental health condition.

4. Perfectionism and fear of making mistakes

If you expect yourself to perform perfectly, even a small mistake may feel like evidence that you are inadequate.

You might say, “I’m so stupid; I always get everything wrong,” when you make a simple error. This turns one event into a judgement about your entire identity.

A healthier alternative is to recognise the mistake without attacking yourself: “I made an error, and I can learn from it.”

5. Using humour to hide uncomfortable emotions

Self-deprecating humour can make vulnerability feel less frightening. A joke may help you change the subject, avoid an awkward silence or stop someone from asking how you really feel.

Research distinguishes between humour that helps people connect and self-defeating humour that repeatedly puts the speaker down. A meta-analysis of 37 studies, involving 12,734 participants across 45 samples, found that different humour styles had different relationships with mental health; self-defeating humour was associated with poorer outcomes overall. These findings describe associations, not proof that self-deprecating jokes cause psychological difficulties.

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What Are the Different Types of Self-Deprecation?

Not all self-deprecation is the same. The intention, frequency and emotional impact can help you understand whether it is serving you or holding you back.

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1. Healthy self-deprecating humour

You laugh at a harmless mistake without believing that it defines your worth. For example, “My cooking experiment was certainly more experimental than edible!” You can laugh and move on without feeling ashamed.

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2. Negative self-talk

You repeatedly describe yourself as unattractive, unintelligent, incompetent or unlovable. The comments may sound like jokes, but they reflect painful beliefs that affect your confidence.

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3. Defensive self-deprecation

You criticise yourself first to reduce the risk of someone else doing it. This can sometimes create a sense of control, but it may also make it harder to accept reassurance or genuine compliments.

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4. Self-sabotaging self-deprecation

You use negative beliefs to justify withdrawing from opportunities, dating people who treat you poorly or avoiding situations where you might succeed. The underlying pattern can be explored through our article on why you might always self-sabotage.

These categories are descriptive rather than formal psychological diagnoses. A person may use more than one style, depending on the situation.

Is Self-Deprecation Good or Bad for You?

Self-deprecation is not automatically harmful. The key distinction is whether you can laugh at yourself while maintaining self-respect, or whether your humour repeatedly reinforces the belief that you are not good enough.

Healthy self-deprecation	Harmful self-deprecation
Focuses on a specific, minor mistake	Attacks your overall worth
Feels playful rather than humiliating	Leaves you feeling ashamed or anxious
Allows you to accept compliments	Makes you dismiss praise or reassurance
Helps people connect	Becomes a shield against emotional intimacy
Is occasional and flexible	Is repetitive and difficult to stop

The best question to ask yourself is not simply, “Do I make fun of myself?” Instead, ask, “How do I feel about myself after I do it?”

If you can laugh, feel comfortable and move on, it may be harmless. If you feel smaller, more anxious or more convinced that you are inadequate, it may be worth examining the underlying pattern.

How Does Self-Deprecation Affect Dating and Relationships?

Self-deprecation can influence how you approach romantic relationships, communicate your needs and interpret another person’s behaviour. It does not automatically mean that your relationships will fail, but persistent self-criticism may create difficulties worth addressing.

1. You may struggle to believe someone genuinely likes you

Imagine you are on a date and the other person compliments your appearance. Instead of saying thank you, you respond, “You need your eyes tested!”

The comment may seem funny, but repeatedly dismissing compliments can make it difficult to receive affection. You may also miss opportunities to build closeness because you assume that positive feedback cannot be genuine.

Try saying, “Thank you, that’s lovely of you to say,” even if accepting the compliment feels unfamiliar.

2. You might seek constant reassurance

If you secretly believe you are not good enough, you may repeatedly ask your partner whether they still find you attractive, whether they love you or whether they intend to leave.

Reassurance is a normal part of relationships. However, if it temporarily relieves anxiety before the same doubts quickly return, it may help to explore the beliefs underneath those questions.

3. You may accept less than you deserve

Someone who feels unworthy of love may tolerate poor communication, disrespect or inconsistent treatment because they fear that they will not find another partner.

You deserve respect regardless of your relationship history, appearance, age or perceived shortcomings. If you are struggling to establish healthier dating patterns, explore our relationship advice for singles and dating over 50 support.

4. You may push people away before they can reject you

Self-deprecating comments can sometimes become a way to create distance. You might say, “You will get bored of me eventually,” even when there is no evidence that your partner feels that way.

This can put pressure on both people: one feels compelled to disprove the statement, while the other remains convinced that rejection is coming.

Learning to communicate the real feeling can be more productive. For example, “I sometimes worry that I’m not enough for you, and I’d like to talk about it.”

5. You may struggle to express your needs

If you constantly minimise yourself, you might apologise for asking for time together, expressing a preference or setting a boundary.

Healthy relationships allow both people to have needs. You can be considerate without making yourself invisible.

If self-criticism is affecting your relationship, marriage and relationship counselling or couples therapy packages may offer a space to explore communication, trust and emotional security.

How to Stop Being Self-Deprecating: 10 Practical Steps

Changing the way you speak to yourself does not mean becoming arrogant or pretending that you have no flaws. It means learning to recognise your imperfections without treating them as evidence that you are less valuable than other people.

1. Notice your self-deprecating comments

For a few days, pay attention to the negative remarks you make about yourself. Notice whether they occur around particular people or situations.

Ask yourself:

• Do I make jokes about my appearance when I feel insecure?
• Do I criticise myself when somebody compliments me?
• Do I put myself down when I am nervous about dating?
• Do I make negative comments before anyone else can judge me?

Awareness helps you recognise a habit before it becomes an automatic response.

2. Challenge the thought behind the joke

Suppose you say, “Nobody will ever want to date me.”

Pause and consider whether this is a fact or a prediction based on how you feel in that moment.

Ask yourself what evidence supports the thought, what evidence contradicts it and what you would say to a friend who felt the same way.

You do not need to replace every negative thought with exaggerated positivity. A balanced response is more realistic: “Dating has been difficult lately, but that does not mean I will always be single.”

3. Replace self-criticism with self-compassion

Self-compassion means treating yourself with the same understanding and fairness that you would offer someone you care about.

Instead of saying, “I’m pathetic for getting upset about my ex,” try, “I’m hurting because the relationship mattered to me. I can give myself time to recover.”

For additional guidance, explore the Practice Self Love Package from Miss Date Doctor, which may be relevant if you want to focus on self-worth and personal development.

4. Learn to accept compliments

When someone says something positive about you, resist the urge to undermine it.

You do not have to agree with every compliment or immediately feel confident. Simply acknowledge the other person’s kindness.

Practise responding with “Thank you” rather than “You’re only saying that because you feel sorry for me.”

5. Stop comparing your weaknesses with other people’s strengths

Social media, dating apps and professional environments can encourage unrealistic comparisons. You may see someone else’s best photograph, career achievement or relationship milestone and judge yourself against it.

Remember that you rarely have access to the full story behind another person’s life.

If comparison affects your dating confidence, our London dating coach service can be explored alongside your own reflection and personal development work.

6. Allow yourself to make mistakes

You do not have to be perfect to be respected, loved or successful.

When something goes wrong, separate the event from your identity. “I handled that conversation badly” is more constructive than “I’m terrible at relationships.”

The first statement identifies something you can learn from. The second turns a specific experience into a permanent judgement about yourself.

7. Practise positive but realistic self-talk

Try replacing harsh statements with more balanced alternatives.

Self-deprecating thought	Healthier alternative
“I’m so stupid.”	“I didn’t understand that, but I can learn.”
“I’m unattractive.”	“I don’t have to feel attractive every day to deserve love.”
“Nobody likes me.”	“I feel disconnected right now, but I cannot know what everyone thinks.”
“I’m a complete failure.”	“Something hasn’t worked out, and I can decide what to do next.”
“I’m too much for everyone.”	“My needs matter, and I can learn to express them constructively.”
“I’m too old to find love.”	“My dating journey can continue at any age.”

8. Develop a stronger sense of identity

Make a list of your strengths, values, achievements and qualities that you appreciate about yourself.

Include everyday examples, such as being dependable, showing kindness, keeping a promise or learning from a difficult experience.

If this feels uncomfortable, start with things you respect about the way you behave rather than trying to list qualities you must love about yourself.

9. Examine patterns of self-sabotage

Notice whether you withdraw from opportunities, reject people who treat you well or assume that positive experiences will eventually end.

Self-deprecation and self-sabotage are not identical, but they can overlap when negative beliefs influence your choices.

Our self-improvement quizzes and free metacognition test can provide opportunities to reflect on your thought patterns. These tools are for self-reflection rather than diagnosis.

10. Seek support when the pattern feels difficult to change

If self-criticism is affecting your mood, confidence, work or relationships, you do not have to figure everything out by yourself.

Counselling or cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) may help you identify unhelpful beliefs and develop more balanced ways of thinking. The NHS explains how CBT can help people change patterns of thought and behaviour, and how eligible people in England can access talking therapies.

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Miss Date Doctor offers relationship coaching and counselling-related services for people who want to understand themselves better and improve their relationships. To learn more about the team and its approach, visit About Miss Date Doctor.

How to Tell Whether Self-Deprecation Is Affecting Your Mental Health

Self-deprecation is not a mental health diagnosis. However, frequent negative self-talk can sometimes accompany low self-esteem, anxiety, depression or difficulties with emotional regulation.

Consider seeking additional support if you notice several of the following patterns:

• You regularly believe that you are less worthy than other people.
• You struggle to accept compliments or positive feedback.
• You feel intense shame after small mistakes.
• You avoid dating, socialising or pursuing opportunities because you fear judgement.
• You repeatedly apologise for having ordinary needs.
• You tolerate poor treatment because you think you do not deserve better.
• You feel persistently hopeless about your future or relationships.
• Your self-critical thoughts interfere with sleep, concentration or everyday activities.

These signs do not prove that you have a mental health condition. Their significance depends on their intensity, duration, context and impact on your life.

If you are concerned about your emotional wellbeing, you can read the guidance provided by Mind or explore NHS talking therapies. In England, eligible adults can often self-refer to NHS talking therapies without first receiving a formal diagnosis.

How Can Self-Deprecation Be Addressed in Therapy or Coaching?

The most appropriate support depends on what is happening, how long the pattern has lasted and how much it affects your life.

Counselling and psychotherapy

Counselling offers an opportunity to discuss difficult emotions, past experiences and relationship patterns in a confidential setting. A qualified practitioner may help you explore where your negative beliefs originated and how they affect your present life.

Learn more about therapy and its different approaches or explore family therapy online if family communication and relationships are part of your concerns.

Cognitive behavioural therapy

CBT focuses on connections between thoughts, feelings and behaviour. It may help you identify automatic negative thoughts, evaluate the evidence for them and practise more helpful responses.

For example, if you assume that a delayed reply means someone has lost interest, you can learn to consider alternative explanations instead of immediately criticising yourself.

CBT is an established treatment for several mental health difficulties, although the most suitable approach depends on individual circumstances.

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Relationship coaching

Relationship coaching may suit people who want practical help with dating confidence, communication, boundaries and personal development.

A coach can help you identify goals and practise different behaviours. Coaching is not a substitute for clinical mental health treatment when that treatment is needed, so it is important to choose the right kind of support.

You can explore the Relationship Coach London package or dating and breakup packages to see whether the available services align with your goals.

For men who want to work on confidence, communication and relationship patterns, our relationship advice for men may also be a useful starting point.

Specialist and additional support

Your needs may overlap with other areas of life. Depending on your circumstances, you could also explore:

• Executive relationship coaching if confidence and communication concerns affect your professional life.
• Neurodivergent relationship coaching if you want support tailored to your relationship experiences and individual communication needs.
• Residential mental health retreat options if you are considering a structured retreat as part of a broader wellbeing plan. Check the qualifications, clinical provision and suitability of any retreat before booking.

You can also explore marital counselling near you if self-criticism is affecting an established relationship.

How Much Does Support for Self-Deprecation Cost in the UK?

There is no single price for support with self-deprecation because the cost depends on the type of service, the practitioner’s qualifications, the session length and the provider.

Type of support	Typical cost considerations
NHS talking therapies	Often available without direct payment for eligible people in England
Charity or community counselling	May be free, subsidised or offered on a sliding scale
Private counselling or psychotherapy	Fees vary by practitioner, location and session length
Private relationship coaching	Fees depend on the coach, package and level of support
Structured coaching packages	May offer several sessions for a combined price

As a guide to Miss Date Doctor’s stated pricing, sessions have been advertised in the £75–£300-per-hour range, depending on the service. Confirm the current price, session duration and what is included before booking; not every service falls into the same price bracket.

If you are comparing providers, consider their qualifications, professional registration where applicable, experience, confidentiality policies and the clarity of their fees. You should never feel pressured to buy a package you cannot afford.

Frequently Asked Questions About Self-Deprecation

1. What is self-deprecation in simple terms?

Self-deprecation means making fun of yourself or drawing attention to your perceived weaknesses. It can be harmless humour, but repeated negative comments may reflect or reinforce low self-esteem.

2. Is self-deprecation a sign of low self-esteem?

Not necessarily. Some people use self-deprecating humour confidently and comfortably. However, persistent self-criticism can be associated with lower self-esteem, particularly when it involves feelings of worthlessness or a constant need to minimise your achievements.

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3. Why do I put myself down even when other people compliment me?

You may find it difficult to accept compliments if you have become accustomed to viewing yourself negatively. You might also feel embarrassed by attention or worry that accepting praise will appear arrogant. Practising a simple response such as “Thank you” can help you become more comfortable receiving positive feedback.

4. Is self-deprecating humour attractive?

It can be. Light-hearted humour may help people feel comfortable and connected, particularly when it demonstrates perspective rather than self-hatred. However, constantly insulting yourself can make interactions uncomfortable or communicate that you do not value yourself.

5. How do I stop being self-deprecating in relationships?

Start by noticing when you put yourself down, particularly after receiving affection, making a mistake or feeling insecure. Practise expressing the underlying emotion directly instead of hiding it behind a joke. If the pattern repeatedly affects your relationships, counselling or relationship coaching may help you explore it.

6. Can self-deprecation be a form of self-sabotage?

Yes, it can contribute to self-sabotaging behaviour when negative beliefs lead you to reject opportunities, avoid intimacy or assume that you will fail. However, the two are different concepts, and self-deprecation does not always lead to self-sabotage.

7. Can therapy help with self-deprecation?

Counselling and CBT may help you understand persistent self-critical thoughts and develop healthier responses. Relationship coaching may also help with practical goals involving dating confidence, communication and boundaries. The best option depends on the nature and severity of your difficulties.

8. When should I seek professional help for self-deprecation?

Consider seeking help when negative self-talk is persistent, difficult to control or interfering with your relationships, work, social life or emotional wellbeing. You do not need to wait until the problem becomes severe before asking for support.

Take the Next Step: Build a Healthier Relationship With Yourself

You can acknowledge your imperfections without making them the centre of your identity. You can learn from mistakes without humiliating yourself, accept compliments without feeling uncomfortable and pursue relationships without assuming that you are destined to be rejected.

The aim is not to eliminate humour or become positive every moment of every day. It is to develop a more balanced relationship with yourself, one that leaves room for growth, vulnerability and self-respect.

At Miss Date Doctor, we understand that personal confidence and relationship experiences can influence one another. If you want to explore your patterns and work towards meaningful change, you can take the next step in whichever way feels appropriate.

Explore your next step with M.D.D

Reflect on your patterns

Explore the inferiority complex test or browse our self-improvement quizzes.

Explore personalised support

Learn about our relationship coaching and counselling services and the Practice Self Love Package.

Discuss your options

Visit the M.D.D appointment page to enquire about available sessions and find out which type of support may be appropriate for you.

About the Author

Miss Date Doctor (M.D.D) Editorial Team

Miss Date Doctor provides relationship coaching, counselling services and personal development support. Its team includes qualified therapists, relationship professionals, life coaches and specialist consultants. Its content aims to help readers understand relationship patterns, develop self-awareness and make informed decisions about their emotional wellbeing.

Learn more about the team, its approach and services on the Miss Date Doctor About Us page.

Medically Reviewed By

Qualified Therapist — Reviewer details to be confirmed

This article should be reviewed by an appropriately qualified and, where applicable, professionally registered therapist with relevant experience in self-esteem, emotional wellbeing and relationship difficulties before publication under a named medical reviewer.

The article provides general educational information and is not a substitute for individual psychological assessment, diagnosis or treatment.

Miss Date Doctor Editorial Policy

Miss Date Doctor aims to publish helpful, accurate and accessible content informed by established psychological knowledge and reputable sources.

• Accuracy and evidence: Psychological claims should be supported by credible sources, and research findings should be represented proportionately.
• Ethical advice: Content should respect individual circumstances, avoid blaming people for emotional difficulties and distinguish education from clinical treatment.
• Regular updates: Articles should be reviewed periodically to maintain relevance and correct outdated or inaccurate information.
• User-first content: Advice should prioritise readers’ needs, offer practical guidance and explain when professional support may be appropriate.
• Transparency: Author qualifications, reviewer credentials and any relevant commercial relationships should be presented accurately.

Research and References

The following sources support the general psychological information discussed in this article:

1. NHS — Raising low self-esteem.
2. NHS — Find NHS talking therapies for anxiety and depression.
3. NHS — Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT).
4. Mind — Mental health information and support.
5. Schneider, M., Voracek, M. and Tran, U.S. (2018). A joke a day keeps the doctor away? Meta-analytical evidence of differential associations of habitual humor styles with mental health. Journal of Happiness Studies. Research record on PubMed.
6. Brown, R., Findlay, B.M. and Brinker, J. (2019). Individual differences in the way observers perceive humour styles. European Journal of Humour Research. Research article.

These sources provide background on self-esteem, psychological support and humour styles. They do not establish that every instance of self-deprecation indicates low self-esteem or a mental health problem.