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Intellectual intimacy

Intellectual intimacy

Partners in romantic relationships usually do not give intellectual intimacy much importance. This is a kind of intimacy that occurs when we try to share our ideas, to know each other’s views and thoughts. Respectful discussions off and on, about different topics lead to healthy intellectual intimacy. In some cases of couple’s therapies, both partners are asked to read the same article and share their thoughts about it with each other.

This article is all about Intellectual intimacy; you will be able to know the Intellectual intimacy Wikipedia definition, how important it is in a relationship and how you can create it. So let’s get started:

Intellectual definition

Intellectual intimacy may be a new term for you, but if you are familiar with the intellectual definition, it will be easier for you to understand the concept. In terms of a layman, intellectual definition it is as follows:

“Intellectuality is the possession of reasoning and understanding objectivity.”

So, intellectual intimacy is a kind of intellectual connection that you cultivate with your partner with time by sharing your skills, thinking and intellectual prowess.

Intellectual intimacy Wikipedia

Here is Intellectual intimacy Wikipedia definition to clear the concept:

“Cognitive or intellectual intimacy takes place when two people exchange thoughts, share ideas and enjoy similarities and differences between their opinions.”

Intimacy intellectual disability

Intimacy intellectual disability is a real drawback when it comes to forming intimate relationships. Those who have an intellectual disability have limited social network. They do not have enough knowledge on issues regarding sexual and romantic relationships. They rely on others for practical and emotional support.

Intimacy intellectual disability can lead to the development of a poor romantic relationship. Emotional and sexual desires are unfulfilled. This way, it is impossible for a relationship to survive.

Intellectual intimacy relationship

According to psychologists, intellectual intimacy is when two people are so close to each other that they can share their thoughts and ideas, despite having a different point of view on some topics. In a sense, it is a brain to brain connection between two people. But how will you know if you have intellectual intimacy in your relationship? Here are some examples of intellectual intimacy relationship:

Together you talk about your dreams and hopes.

Whenever you two have time, you share your hopes and dreams with each other. It is like the best time of the day. You encourage each other to fulfil dreams and follow the paths you have both chosen in your personal lives. Maybe you two have the same dreams and hopes that you can work on together, but you also have your interests, and it does not bother the other partner. You are both happy with what you have chosen.

You ask opinions on different matters from each other.

Although you two have different opinions on matters like parenting, finances, household chores still you are comfortable with sharing these opinions with each other without hesitation. You can talk about your ideas without any fear. Your partner for you is like a safe place where you can say whatever you feel. Intimacy is even stronger if you two can easily negotiate your terms and come out together as one. What  more does a person need in their relationship but to feel safe to vocalise their truth? Intellectual intimacy is incredibly important.

Not only this you ask opinions on the smallest things, like what should be the colour of the curtains, should you install new cover seats in your car. All of this is not because you want validation but because their opinion matters to you. You cultivate shared interests and share share similar values.

You two know about each other’s past experiences and fears.

Intellectual intimacy relationship is the first thing you need. It is the base of a relationship. If you two do not know each other well, you can’t make your relationship successful. The more you know about each other’s past experiences and fears, the stronger your bond will be. By understanding each other, you make life a little bit easier for your partner. You can help your partner in dealing with fears and complicated emotions. This way, you can protect each other from the worst emotional problems. The Intellectual intimacy relationship strength can help you in being a great support to each other in the face of complicated issues and problems.

You can detect when your partner is trying to hide their feelings.

It is easier for you to detect when your partner is hiding something from you, like if your partner is stressed and does not want to share it with you, still you will somehow detect it. You try your best to give them comfort and a trustable environment that they start sharing whatever they have in their minds freely and comfortably.

You can talk about anything.

Communication is very important in a relationship if effective communication is absent in a relationship, it will not survive for sure. But it is not an issue for those with strong intellectual intimacy. You can talk about anything at any time day or night. Late-night talks are common. The best part is that you do not just talk; you share things and understand each other. It is not like one partner dominates the whole conversation; it is more like a back and forth conversation where both of you equally participate. You can even talk about things that you are embarrassed or ashamed of to talk about in front of others.

You love trying new things together.

You two are always are looking for new things that you can try together. Like you love to try a new dance form or book new experiences to do together. You never hold yourself back whenever there is an opportunity to try something new you and your partner love to embark on many new experiences together .

Intellectual Intimacy vs emotional intimacy

If you are wondering about Intellectual Intimacy vs emotional intimacy, here is what you need to know. We as humans  are not alike, so we have different opinions and points of view on different matters, but it does not mean we can’t be in a relationship with someone with different views. There should be a sense of respect towards each other’s opinion. Every person in a relationship has the freedom to think for themselves. They should not be pressured to agree when they do not want to. We care for people who respect our views and care for our independent right of differences. This is what we call intellectual intimacy. The best way to create intellectual intimacy is by promoting healthy discussions, especially where both partners have different perspectives. There is no need to get angry or defensive. You only need to accept what your partner thinks and respect his/her opinion.

On the other hand, emotional intimacy takes this connection to another level. It is demonstrated through communication. Two partners are connected to each other at an emotional level. Well, it is rather difficult for individuals that are closed as one has to be vulnerable to make such a connection. It involves the close connection between two partners that allows them to share their thoughts and emotions. It involves sharing, fears, dreams, complicated feelings and disappointments. There is an expectation of support and understanding. Sometimes two people are totally different, having different thoughts on certain matters that might cause problems in creating emotional intimacy.

Emotional intimacy means there should be a safe space between two partners where they can express themselves without fear of being judged. We do not share our emotions with people who care about us just because they tell us what we want to hear, but, there is a trust that they won’t hurt us due to us showing vulnerability. We share everything in confidence and vent out everything as we know they will not tell anyone or betray our trust. We expect that they won’t make us feel embarrassed. There should be a more introspective conversation between two partners so that they can foster emotional intimacy.

Intellectual Intimacy vs emotional intimacy, both these kinds of intimacy are somehow connected with each other. Emotional intimacy can lead to intellectual intimacy, as a person feels comfortable sharing their views on matters other than the relationship.

What intellectual intimacy do you share?

If you want to know more about your relationship, you need to know first what intellectual intimacy you share? Examine your relationship and find out where do you and your partner stand. Intellectual intimacy is sharing your skills and your thinking. It can be your experiences, fears, dreams and hope. How comfortable you are in trusting your partner with your secrets. You can also assess the whole situation with the help of online software available on the internet.

Intellectual intimacy questions

If you find that you are intellectually distant form your partner then you should work on it, ask your partner a few Intellectual intimacy questions. Here are some examples of Intellectual intimacy questions you can ask your partner to spark intellectual intimacy in your relationship:

  • If you could choose anyone in the world, living or dead, to have in our home as a dinner guest, who would you choose and why?
  • If you could choose the activities to do that would make a perfect day, what would you choose?
  • If you had a crystal ball that could tell you anything at all about your life that you don’t already know, what would you ask it to tell you?
  • What’s your favourite childhood memory?
  • What are the ten most important things on your personal bucket list?
  • When did you last cry about something and what did you cry about?
  • If you could wake up tomorrow morning with one new skill or ability, what would you choose?
  • What do you like best about our relationship?
  • What’s something that you’d like to try, but that you’re too scared to try?
  • If all of your friends were asked to describe you, which friend’s description would be the most accurate and why?
  • What was your favourite book (or movie) as a child, and why did you like it so much?
  • What’s the one thing about yourself that you would most like to change?
  • What would be your dream vacation?
  • What are three qualities you admire about yourself?
  • What are three qualities you admire about me?
  • What’s one of your best memories from when we were dating?
  • What was your favourite place to go as a child, and why did you love it there?
  • If you could be any character in a book (or movie), who would you choose to be?
  • If all of a sudden you knew that you had 6 weeks left to live, what would you want to do in the time you had left?
  • What three things in your life could you not imagine doing without?
  • Do you see yourself in our kid(s)? If so, how?

Intellectual intimacy in marriage

People do not give intellectual intimacy much importance, or they think that it really does not matter. But it is not true at all. Intellectual intimacy can take your relationship to the next level. Although it is not easy to check all boxes, you cannot have all kinds of intimacy at their best in a relationship. You have to work continuously in developing and maintaining intimacy in your relationship. In the case of intellectual intimacy, you can make conscious and persistent efforts, to get yourself started on the right path. Here are some ways to develop intellectual intimacy in marriage:

Similar attitudes

There is an old saying which  goes like this, “attitude determines altitude”. People get attracted to those who have a similar attitude like them. If you are a positive person, you will be attracted to a positive person. Attitude is how someone thinks about different aspects of life and deals with them. If you and your partner have different views about different things in life, try to find common ground. Or try to have an open mind towards each other’s approach towards career paths, life goals and financial planning. It will be a good start to cultivate intellectual intimacy in your relationship.

Shared interests

Shared interests make life a bit easier; you can do things together that you love and spend quality time. My aunt and uncle shared their love for long evening walks. So it became their thing, they used to go for a walk every evening and have a peaceful talk. It was like an escape from the responsibilities and demands of daily life. Just because this common interest in their marriage became even stronger. So you also need to cultivate shared interests with your partner. It will be possible only if you communicate transparently with each other and know each other better. It can transform your connection on an intellectual level.

Reading together

Couples who have a habit of reading together never have to wonder about how to develop intellectual intimacy. Books are excellent treasures that keep your grey cells activated. Cultivating a habit of reading a book together and then discussing it is a healthy exercise. It can bring you and your partner closer intellectually. You can talk about whether you liked the book, if you did not like it, you can share your views. Your thoughts about the book may differ from your partner but this way you can know how your thinks about different things.

Aligning your values

Two people who belong to two different family systems will surely have different value systems, even if they have the same cultural background. This difference is huge when they belong to different countries, or have a different cultural and religious background. To make your relationship successful, it is very important to align your values. It is good for the growth of your relationship and for you two to grow as a couple. So you need to align your values slowly with time so that you can work this difference out, it is crucial not only on an intellectual level but also at a sublime level of happiness in your relationship.

Being supportive

Marriages are complicated and require continuous work. If you think that you can make your marriage work without being supportive, you are mistaken and need to work on your thoughts. You cannot achieve intellectual intimacy if you are not supportive towards your partner and your partner must be supportive to you also. This involves assessing the situation from their perspective or ability to walk in their shoes.If you use cognitive empathy you and your partner will have much better understanding. This way, you can understand how your partner feels about something and how you can handle the situation. Intellectual intimacy in marriage makes marriage a lot easier and helps preserve healthy communication..

Find fun activities

You might think that making an intellectual connection with your partner involves serious stuff, but that is not true. You can make it fun and light. But how you can make this process, effortless and light? It is only possible if you find some fun activities to do together. It can be anything, like watching your favourite movies together, binge-watching some new Netflix series, or travelling to a new city together. You can try going to a place you have never been to before in your city. You can discuss the things you liked and didn’t like and what should be improved. There are some experiences that may fail but you can laugh about it and create treasured memories with your partner.

What about work?

Relationship experts usually say that you should not bring work at home, well, that is true, but work discussion with your partner can be an excellent way to develop intellectual intimacy with your partner. I am not saying you should carry work pressure and stress home, but try to share a thing or two about your work life too. For example, ask your partner about how was his day at work, try to be more expressive. There should not be any judgment or any shame. It will improve your engagement level and so your intellectual intimacy.can improve exponentially.

Share past life experience.

Bad past life experience can affect your relationships; you may behave in a certain way which your partner might not be comfortable with. So you need to share it with them, this way they can understand your situation. You may think that this makes you vulnerable in front of your partner, but what is the point of being in a marriage where you are not comfortable sharing your deepest insecurities related to past emotional traumas with your partner. These little moments of vulnerability can bring your two closer and improve intellectual intimacy.

Connect over social media and texts

Connecting with your partner via virtual interactions can take this whole intellectual intimacy thing to the next level. You can discover new things together, but you need to be responsive. SO stay connected with each other over DMs, share memes with each other, tag each other and most importantly share the news. This way you can talk on some really interesting topics.


As I have mentioned above, people do not take intellectual intimacy seriously; it is not a healthy attitude if you want to take your relationship to the next level. You need to work on it. It is only possible if you both understand each other and are comfortable sharing thoughts and ideas on different matters.

Intellectual intimacy can make your relationship more fun, more comfortable and more exciting. You will find a safe place to vent out everything you have been hiding with fear of judgment. If you do not have intellectual intimacy in your relationship, you can follow the suggestion mentioned above to develop it. If you have a fear of intimacy, you can work on it too with the help of a professional. You can contact a relationship or marriage counsellor to deal with intimacy issues.

This was all about intellectual intimacy in relationships and marriages, and be rest assured you can develop it. I have tried my best to share this useful information with you, I hope that you will find it helpful. BOOK COUPLES THERAPY.

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