Unrequited love is a universal experience, no doubt, and poets have been writing about it for centuries. Love is the most beautiful feeling in this whole world, but unrequited love can make your life miserable if you are not ready to deal with it. The pain of the person you love not loving you back.
In this article, I am going to share some really helpful information about unrequited love; I will share the unrequited love definition, some signs, and some tips to deal with it:
Unrequited love meaning
Unrequited love meaning is love that is not felt the same way by the other person.
Unrequited love definition
“When you say unrequited love, this often refers to love not being returned. This is painful in its own distinct way as the person you have feelings for doesn’t love you back in the way you want them to. It’s a one-sided love that will leave you exhausted and drained.”
Unrequited love drama
Let’s accept the fact, we all have been there at least once, where a person we have a romantic interest in was not as involved in us as we were. It is a universal experience, no doubt, but it is not the only way you will see unrequited love. It can appear in different ways. Here are some types of unrequited love drama according to Kim Egel LMFT:
- having a desire for the person who is not available
- pining for someone who does not have feelings as you have
- mutual feelings among people who are involved in multiple relationships
- after the breakup having lingering feelings for the ex
Unrequited love drama is not only limited to that; you may also see it in sometimes casual dating where one person develops serious interests about the other, and the other person does not feel anything at all. No matter what, unrequited love is painful, and you will be stuck here forever if you do not try to get over it.
Is unrequited love real love?
If you ask me, is unrequited love real love? I would say yes because I have experienced it myself. You feel butterflies in your stomach when you fall in love. You want the attention of that person you wait for their text; all of this happens in unrequited love too. So is unrequited love real love? Yes, of course.
Is unrequited love bad?
Is unrequited love bad? Well, absolutely yes. Unrequited love is worse than a breakup. You end things in a breakup and somehow try to move on, but when you love someone, and other person does not feel the same way about you, it hurts even more because you start questioning your life and worth which is extremely damaging.
But if you think logically about is unrequited love bad? You will come to know that it is not that bad because you learn something from your experience. You will be able to know what you want and expect from your partner and gain insight into your own personal needs and values.
Can unrequited love ever become requited?
Can unrequited love ever become requited? Well, people change, their needs change, their thoughts change with time. So if a person is consistent in being around the person he is interested in, there are chances. But that does not mean you should be annoying or frustrating. So Can unrequited love ever become requited? Yes, it can if you value your friendship and do not act annoying and desperate in some cases love can grow.
Signs of Unrequited love
Unwanted love can appear differently in different situations. But according to Melissa Stringer, LPC, a clear sign of Unwanted love is described as below:
“Intense longing that spans a significant timeframe and involves little to no reciprocation from your love interest.”
Following are some signs that can indicate love is not mutual:
The person you love does not want to move forward in the relationship.
You are looking for a strong emotional bond, so you want to be with them and invite them more often for this purpose. But when you make an effort to get closer to them, they push you away and try to keep distance. You will call it a date, but they will call it just a hangout, and whenever you plan an intimate evening, they show up with friends.
You will feel this lack of interest in this connection. When you want to talk about deep, meaningful things or ask about their values or beliefs, they will not respond passionately, neither will they ask similar questions.
They do not reply to your calls or texts immediately.
“Research has shown that people who reject other people’s affections often experience guilt. Rejectors tend to view would-be lovers as unreasonable, self-deceptive, and annoying—would-be lovers, on the other hand, tend to view their rejectors as mysterious and inconsistent.”
Sometimes you are busy and cannot reply to a text or a call, which is completely fine as you immediately contact the person when you get free time. But do you feel like you are doing most work to spend time with them? It feels like they take ages to reply you. And when you ask them to meet, they will go like, “Maybe, I will tell you when I can meet,” but will not confirm until the last moment.
Signs of denial
Unrequited love always hurts, and there is no better explanation. People usually go through the denial phase when they are dealing with pain or hurt. There will be more subtle signs, but you may ignore these and focus on things like the way they touch or hug you, compliment you or ask about your opinion or confide in you.
On the other hand, some individuals are open and affectionate, so it can be confusing while trying to gage their interest.
According to Egel:
“Identifying unrequited love requires your ability, to be honest with yourself about what’s going on.”
Having this ability means observing the signals the other person is giving carefully, even accepting the fact that their feelings can be complicated.
Trying to get their attention based on your knowledge.
Because of their lack of interest, you might want to get their attention. You think about different ways to get their attention. Maybe they like snowboarding, so you try to make it your thing too suddenly to create a look of things in common.
You may also try harder to look attractive to them. They just name their favorite hobby you join them even if you really hate it you do all you can to make things work.
Unbreakable cycle of negative emotions
According to Stringer, unrequited love may involve a repetitive cycle of complicated emotions. She says that usually, this pattern starts with helpfulness as you create different strategies to spark up your relationship. After trying again and again, when you do not get the desired response, the feeling of rejection takes place, including anxiety, shame, anger, resentment, and sadness.
You can’t get your mind off of them.
Commonly unwanted love is associated with an emotion of longing and a strong desire that can affect all other emotions of yours and hide reality. Your emotions about them may start affecting your daily life, and you can’t function properly. For instance
- You might keep on checking Facebook whether they liked the post you shared earlier or anything related to your relationship where you can post a comment.
- You send them texts often to express your feelings, and sometimes these messages are long.
- You intentionally visit places where they can be found in hopes you will see them.
- You talk about that person too much.
- You create scenarios in your head where you explain your emotions, and they respond the way you want
How do you deal with unrequited love?
It really hurts when someone does not feel the way you feel about them. A study from 2011 showed that rejection activates the same portions of the brain, just like physical pain. Dealing with unrequited love is not so easy as it requires patience and continuous effort. If you are wondering, “How do you deal with unrequited love?” let me share some tips with you:
Communication is best
Talking to that person about your feelings may seem scary, but it is an excellent way to handle this situation. In case you notice confusing signals, such as affectionate gestures or flirty behavior, from that person you like, communicating those things can prove helpful. It is not easy to observe someone’s behavior and reach an accurate conclusion, so you cannot know about their feelings without them telling you.
Feeling overwhelmed? It is good to talk to your best friend about your issues. Sometimes, it helps to let out all the things you have in your mind.
But don’t make things complicated.
You admit that you love a friend, but they don’t feel the same way, so they reject you. Do not take it personally, never. You do not feel good about that and it is upsetting, but still, you want them to stay friends with you. An excellent way is to only focus on the bond you share with them as friends.
If they have told you clearly that they are not looking for a romantic relationship, do not talk about that again. If you keep on hoping or pursuing them, it will not do any good to your friendship. They may get frustrated and may not want to be friends with you anymore either. But that does not mean you have to be their friend if you find it too hard to do so; if you need some time and space, it is completely fine.
Accept the way you are feeling.
Unwanted love often involves many emotions, not negative ones only. You may feel happy to see your loved one, high in the whole world, whenever you get a chance to be with him or her and saddened when you see that the maximum you can get is friendship.
Try to make a conscious effort to accept all these feelings. Just accept these emotions the way they are. Just be patient and allow them to pass. Writing about these emotions as you feel them, even those which are hurting you, can also help.
Try to distract yourself.
You need to know that your emotions are not invalid, and embracing them wholeheartedly can help move on. But there is a need to maintain a certain balance; thinking too much about that can make your life even more miserable. It may be helpful during day time to put emotions apart until you get some space and time to deal with them.
Shift your energy channels
Here are some simple ways to do so:
- Try spending more time doing things you enjoy, spending time with friends, and doing other fun things.
- Take extreme care of your diet regularly and keep exercising.
- Get yourself some treat, whether it’s some flowers, delicious food, a new movie or a new movie or book.
- Try casual dating first socialize as much as possible, and when you are ready, you can find a partner who has the same interest in you.
In life it is not about what is happening to us but how we respond to this situation. Let’s say you fall in love with someone and wanted his/her love in return. You didn’t get the result you wanted or hoped for maybe, but that doesn’t mean your emotions are baseless and your love is worthless. What did you get from this? Have you grown somehow? Have you developed a strong friendship with that person? Rejection is no doubt painful, but this will be a different kind of love, for instance, a beautiful friendship. Well, it may not feel comforting right now, but one day you will appreciate this friendship. We always learn something from any adversity we face in love.
What do you want? Ask yourself
Your emotions are in touch with you and your personal needs; they are telling you something; when you focus on these feelings, they will probably point outright direction. Perhaps this experience has told you more about the type of person you are attracted to.
If you continue to experience unrequited love, you can help yourself, with introspection and analysis, yes surely think about whether this pattern tells you a lot about your actual needs. Dating in the wrong place at the wrong time can make a significant difference between feelings of loneliness or that you should love someone when you are truly happy yourself. Maybe you are not actually looking for a relationship, and believe me, it is totally fine.
Should you get help?
To deal with unwanted love is very painful, so it would be better to ask for help from a professional therapist. According to Stringer, therapy can prove helpful if:
- You can’t stop following that person after they say they are not interested.
- You are spending a lot of your time thinking about that person as interfering with your routine life.
- Your friends are concerned about your attitude and wellbeing
- In case you feel hopeless, depressed, or have suicidal thoughts, it is best to speak to a professional immediately.
Egel suggests that being drawn into one-sided love can also indicate that you are dealing with emotional issues and past problems. Therapy helps deal with this, which can help determine how to deal with emotions and your present situation.
What if you do not feel the same way?
If you are interested in a particular person, it is not that easy for you to say “no.” You could even try to date them instead of seeing what is happening. But if you’re not in the mood for a romantic relationship or in reality this person is not your type, this might be a challenge for both of you.
If you are wondering, “How do you deal with unrequited love when you don’t feel the same way?” let’s have a look at some of the best tips for you:
Avoiding often is not helpful.
You think that avoiding them can vanish their feelings for you, and you start avoiding them, but it will hurt you both, especially when you are good friends. But it can be hurtful for both of you, especially if you are friends. Trying to talk about the situation can work for you. This may not be easy, but honest communication can help you both move forward. Instead of avoiding them, try to talk about the whole situation. It can be a bit uncomfortable, but if you have an honest conversation, it can help you move forward in a healthy way.
You need to be very careful while expressing your emotions. Be honest while talking to them but don’t be cruel. Tell them about the things you value and like in them, then explain why you can’t be in a romantic relationship with them but you would still like to maintain a friendship.
Offering compassion to that person
You might have had feelings for someone who did not feel the same way about you in the past. Think about that time, how did you feel about that? What helped you actually at that time? If you have not experienced unwanted love before, offering kindness can prove helpful until these feelings fade away. It will help that person in taking comfort in your current friendship.
It is very important to make it clear that you are not interested in that person. You might not want to hurt their emotions but clearly tell them you are not looking for a relationship and do not feel the same way about them. Ambiguous or vague refusals can give them the signal to keep on trying. If you are upfront with them, it can prevent you from all the frustration or pain.
Unrequited love poems
Poetry is an excellent way to express your emotions. It can portray the pain and hurt that unrequited love brings in an excellent way. If you are looking for some unrequited love poems, let me share some with you:
Sir Philip Sidney, ‘With how sad steps, O moon, thou climb’st the skies.’
With how sad steps, O moon, thou climb’st the skies;
How silently, and with how wan a face.
What, may it be that even in heavenly place
That busy archer his sharp arrows tries?
Sure, if that long-with-love-acquainted eyes.
Can judge of love, thou feel’st a lover’s case;
I read it in thy looks; thy languished grace.
To me, that feel the like, thy state descrie.
Then, even of fellowship, O moon, tell me,
Is constant love deemed there but want of wit?
Are beauties there as proud as here they be?
Do they above love to be loved, and yet
Those lovers scorn whom that love doth possess?
Do they call virtue there ungratefulness?
William Shakespeare, Sonnet 87.
Farewell! Thou art too dear for my possessing,
And like enough thou know’st thy estimate,
The charter of thy worth gives thee releasing;
My bonds in thee are all determinate.
For how do I hold thee but by thy granting?
And for that riches, where is my deserving?
The cause of this fair gift in me is wanting,
And so my patent back again is swerving.
Thy self thou gavest, thy worth then not knowing,
Or me to whom thou gav’st it else mistaking;
So thy great gift, upon misprision growing,
Comes home again on better judgment making.
Thus have I had thee, as a dream doth flatter,
In sleep a king, but waking no such matter.
John Clare’s ‘The Secret’
I loved thee, though I told thee not,
Right earlily and long,
Thou wert my joy in every spot,
My theme in every song.
And when I saw a stranger’s face.
Where beauty held the claim,
I gave it like a secret grace.
The being of thy name.
And all the charms of face or voice.
Which I, in others, see
Are but the recollected choice
Of what I felt for thee.
John Keats, ‘You Say You Love.’
You say you love; but with a voice
Chaster than a nun’s, who singeth
The soft Vespers to herself
While the chime-bell ringeth –
O love me truly!
You say you love, but with a smile.
Cold as sunrise in September,
As you were Saint Cupid’s nun,
And kept his weeks of Ember.
O love me truly!
You say you love – but then your lips.
Coral tinted teach no blisses.
More than coral in the sea –
They never pout for kisses –
O love me truly!
You say you love, but then your hand
No soft squeeze for squeeze returneth,
It is like a statue’s dead –
While mine to passion burneth –
O love me truly!
O breathe a word or two of fire!
Smile, as if those words should burn be,
Squeeze as lovers should – O kiss
And in thy heart inurn me!
O love me truly!
So this was all about unrequited love. You will for sure like unrequited love poems. I have tried my best to provide you useful information about unrequited love; I hope you will find it helpful.
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